Friday, April 13, 2012

a First of Many


Finding the words to tell you this comes hard, although not harder than expected, because there are never really words for a moment like this - honesty so naked it makes people uncomfortable. I find myself pacing the carpet of my room, wondering how to say this.

I look down at my bare arms and think, maybe this once I just won’t lie, but simply tell the truth. When you ask me what the scars are from I won’t say barbed wire, or just that it happened a long time ago.

Instead I will say, I used to be a cutter.

And let it sit between us raw and ragged. You don’t have to look away you know, or stammer for a response. This is my past, not my present. 

It started years ago in an act of desperation, fighting to feel anything but emptiness, turning into a comfort, a constant source of control in my lopsided world. And finally, a punishment, because I didn’t deserve any better.

But the important thing, friends, isn’t who I used to be, but who I’ve become. As of today, it has been one year since the last time I cut.

365 days of choosing to be strong when it hurt
                  of knowing I don’t need the control
                  of believing I am worth far, far more

I used to dream of a life where Better was more than a word and scars weren’t a prize. For a while, all I could do was Hope that such a thing could exist.

The crazy part is – it does.

Three years ago when Jesus healed me of my depression, I thought it would be some sort of magic. But I’ve discovered along the way, healing is a process. Healing is the ability to hear the lies amidst the truths; it’s the perseverance against rejection, the courage to love yourself.

To the Kylee who thought they’d never stop craving that first catch of pain:

Happy one-year anniversary. We did it. 

5 comments:

  1. Love you Kylee! This makes my heart happy for you. You are so courageous!

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  2. I am so pround of your naked honesty & more so for the fact that you finaly found healing & peace with Jesus. Your sharing can & will help other's who self punish trying to find comfort, fitting in & at peace with who they are. Thank you Kylee, you are dearly loved. Susan Weiler

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  3. "Three years ago when Jesus healed me of my depression, I thought it would be some sort of magic. But I’ve discovered along the way, healing is a process. Healing is the ability to hear the lies amidst the truths; it’s the perseverance against rejection, the courage to love yourself."

    You are such a beautifully stunning testimony to what it means to be a child of God. Keep sharing your story, Kylee. God will send you people who need to hear it, need to see what true healing is.
    xoxoxo

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  4. Proud of you Kylee. So proud. You are a strong woman.
    I love you!

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  5. congratulations!! im so proud of you, kylee. i hope you celebrated big. :)

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