I wasn't going to blog tonight.
The plan was to wait until I had something witty to say; a funny story to share. Just to prove I do indeed have a sense of humor, or at least a lighter side.
Tonight George and I mapped out chapter ideas for my book. And after talking about Bryan so much, pressing his name into the paper, remembering how his eyebrows pulled down or his smile crooked up...I can't stop thinking about him.
Maybe it's the yellowed lamp in the corner or the stillness in the air. Perhaps it's this song that always brings the sadness up into my cheekbones. Whatever it is, tonight I've given myself permission to miss him.
Not the memory of him or the idea of him. Just him. All the little things about him that made him my brother. I can still feel the way it was to hug him, you know.
I've gotten used to the absence of him. The normalcy of him being gone. But tonight I just want to pretend. I want to imagine he is here, sitting against the couch with me, our shoulders pressed together. I want to pretend he still exists.